Colins Crushers
Colins Crushers are a professional hockey team based out of Evergreen, Alberta, Canada. They are members of the Edwards Leagueof the GHL. Franchise History After years of picking pop and beer cans along the ditches of Alberta's Highway 11, Colin Parada finally gathered together enough money to start his own hockey club, the Crushers. The name came from his many years of crushing cans so he could fit more in his shopping cart. Parada searched the Alberta penal system for the brightest young stars he could find. With the proceeds of the first 2 tickets sold to their inaugural game, Parada then proceeded to bathe, clip off excess body hair and buy his first suit. Well groomed and read to start his new career, Parada concentrated on making sure the Crushers were a well oiled machine. Season 1 The first regular season found the Crushers at the top of the league heading into the playoffs. Like a free square on the bingo card, the Crushers swept an AI team to move onto the second round where they faced the Eagles. The Eagles, primarily made up of 6th graders, were no match for the Crushers. Signs the Crushers fans made up consisted of "See You Next Year When You Have Pubes" and "A Wet Bed In The Morning IS Normal!". The final game pitted Jack Flash against the Crushers. Not wanting to be emotionally involved with the games, Flash owner Jack Dewald and Crushers owner Colin Parada escaped to Cuba. Unfortunately they had to take their wives and Eldonsreallydecentguys owner Eldon Spears. Parada and Dewald felt sorry for Spears and asked him to tag along, as long as he buys drinks. Tied up going into Game three, Crusher owner Parada searched all over Havana for a VooDoo doll but all he found was a hangover. Sorrow followed that night as the Flash defeated the favored Crushers. After shaking hands with Flash owner Dewald and congratulating him on his victory, Parada is quoted as saying "Stupid Jack." Season 2 Captaincy Season 2 - Jan 2009 - Present - After shitting the bed in the post season, Trinkle was the first to be traded. "Leaders lead and losers get traded" said Parada after the trade. Maximo Deschambeault was signed as a free agent at the start of Season 2 and was handed the captaincy. "We wanted to sign a player that used almost every letter of the alphabet in his name and then throw another C in there for extra measure" Parada said after being asked "Why Mad Max?" Season 1 - Oct 2008 - Jan 2009 - Quintin Trinkle was signed as a free agent on October 24th, 2008. Trinkle brings 12 years of experience in the GHL to the Crushers. The Crushers look to Trinkle to mold the youth that has been drafted into this organization. Trinkle's hobbies include quilting and needlepoint. Head Coaches Season 1 - Oct 2008 - Present - Lanny Elvin has coached in the GHL for 5 Seasons. His 6th season brings him to the Crushers. Elvin has a great way of showing younger players the fine art of the game of hockey. Now that he is off the sexual predators list, Elvin is ready to start a new chapter in his life. Retired Numbers None Our New Home Below is a picture of the CrusherDome. Currently holding 15,000 seats, the CrusherDome has the ability to incorperate up to 22,000 seats. The CrusherDome also houses a small mall with 50 stores including a Tim Hortons, allowing you to grab a coffee and warm up in the Arena portion when some stupid retard forgets to turn the heat on at least 2 hours before game time. The CrusherDome is also home to the Crusher Casino and Family Fun Centre. While the kids frolic in the ball pit and play games, Mom & Dad can blow their college fund in the Casino. Just down from the Casino is Little Miss Crushers Hotel And Brothel. Nuff Said. Ticket Information Below is the seating chart for the Crusherdome. Please do not call Ticketmaster as they won't know what the hell you are talking about. Draft Picks Season 1 - John Mater - Mater was a prospect Director Of Scouting Leroy Fitzgerald has been watching for quite some time. Fitzgerald said "I really liked to watch his ass." Transactions Season 2 - March 11, 2009 - With the fall of two teams, Legion Of Doom and Milos Profiles due to inept managing, the Crushers picked up two players off free agency when those two teams disbanded. The Crushers added to their already strong defensive core Carter Ostaba and Garth Faucette. Season 2 - February 10, 2009 - Colins Crushers traded Money: $0.00 Player: Cory Mendibles (67) Player: Emmitt Gaisford (63) Goalie: Dylan Eilderts (60) To the Ice Bats for Money: $0.00 Player: Dustin Cauffman (67) Player: Jan Wiggington (68) Season 2 - February 1, 2009 - Colins Crushers traded Money: $465,000.00 Player: Manuel Beeghly (68) Player: Bret Chestnutt (67) To Jack Flash for Money: $0.00 Player: Vrba Huyard (66) Season 2 - February 1, 2009 - Colins Crushers traded Money: $0.00 Player: Herschel Carper (68) Player: Quintin Trinkle (66) To the Oilers for Money: $0.00 Player: Oscar Fennema (67) Season 1 - November 30, 2008 - The Crushers traded under-acheiving whiny snot nosed loser Angel Brereton (66) to the Eagles for up and coming star Kasey Ligonis (65). Season-by-season record Last Records Update - March 5, 2009 ''Note: GP = Games played, W = Wins, L = Losses, T = Ties, OTL = Overtime Losses, Pts = Points, GF = Goals for, GA = Goals against'' Playoff Record Trophies Record Book Current Roster All Time Crushers Player Stats In Alphabetical Order Of Last Name Recent News Season 2 - February 27, 2009 - Hoping for some divine intervention, the Crushers set up a throne for the Pope at a recent game against Eldonsreallydecentguys. The Pope seemed to enjoy the game and helped the Crushers to a 4-1 victory. Season 2 - February 14, 2009 - Team Captain Maximo Deschambeault signed the Crushers up with the Make A Wish Foundation in early February. It didn't take long to get a request. Monty the monkey requested to practice with the Crushers once before being sent off to become glue or whatever they do with old mentally challenged monkey's. Season 2 - February 3, 2009 - Knowing their team would be in tough against the Crushers, Jack Flash players took it upon themselves to sway the refs their way. Season 2 - January 28, 2009 - The Crushers knew the Oilers goaltending was weak so the Crushers agreed to shoot beach balls instead of pucks. It did not help as the Crushers went on to defeat the Oilers 6-1. Season 1 - December 12, 2008 - Crusher owner Colin Parada built the new Crusher Web Site. Parada was quoted as saying "I can't believe I did this, any retard can do it, even Jack!" Apparently by the picture, Jack does have a hard time with electronics. Season 1 - December 7, 2008 - During a home loss against their rival Jack Flash, Crusher fans took out their frustrations on the referee. Referee Chong Wei stated "Lon gey soo mow tu chee" which loosely translated means I am gay. Season 1 - November 2, 2008 - At the Crushers home opener, loud chanting from outside drowned out the boisterous crowd inside chanting "Free The Bears, Free The Bears". Before the game, Crushers owner Colin Parada recruited two polar bears and gave them hockey sticks to see what would happen. PETA is investigating. Employment Oppritunities Locker Room Attendent - The Crushers are currently looking for a female locker room attendent. The applicant should be blonde, no taller than 5'6", weight around 115 lbs, have a bra size of 36DD and not easily disgusted by ball sweat. Please forward a photo to the Crushers Administrative Office. Crushers Shop All items below are available at the CrusherShop in the CrusherDome...if you can find it... Move your mouse over each item for a description. Category:Teams Category:Canadian GHL Teams